i am addicted to food. i admit it. it is an everyday struggle that in my morning i wake up and say today i will behave myself. i do so good during the day and then always at night i blow it and wake up irritated with myself over it. i think i find confort in it. dont know why. emotional stress maybe. who knows. or maybe i just really love food. i would say that is it. non the less. i am better than that. and envy the women who can eat whatever they want and be skinny. lucky genetics. but for me that is not what my body is anymore. and that is really hard for me to deal with. and my husband is the best cook ever. that makes it even harder. im thinking maybe putting it out into the world would make me more accountable. yeah. it is hard for me. really hard. nobody but me and good lord knows how hard it is for me. i make a joke to my husband and laugh about it. calling my fat roll my dewlap. but inside i hate it. and cant find enough strength to do something about it. it feels like i work out and then i start feeling run down and then quit. or i quit it all at the same time and then my body goes into withdraws. whatever maybe there is not enough excuses in this world. but in my mind i always say it is so bad for my body. which it is. and lets face it. i am not gettting any younger in a couple weeks 36. good lord. cant believe it. closing in on fourty and that is old. i just need a whole new revamp on my life. all the way around. lesses brown spots. cover up the grey closing in on my head. less fat. and a better attitude towards life. i do have a rotten attitude sometimes. i hate it. bad for my children and myself. i try to rise above it all but it is always hard for me. i work on it everyday. i actually work on alot of things everyday. i try to find peace in between it all. not enough time to do it all. but there is one thing for sure. i will never ever give up the fight. it is not my nature. i will fight probably until i am not on this earth anymore. i will conquer the fat beast and other beasts. and that is hope. that is one thing about me is i am a hoper. i believe to my core being. i believe in the magic of life. i believe every single thing that happens is for a reason. i believe in my lord and savior jesus christ. and even though i mess us i am forgiven. i will never ever stray from that. i am thankful. even in this blizzard of life i am thankful.