emotions run high

I took this picture 3 years ago almost to the date.

How much my Sis has changed in the last three years. This has been one of the roughest weeks of my life. I have not done so good. Just I think thinking about the future it scares me. My Nat is growing up. Becoming her own person. With her own thinking. And I am a control freak to say the least. I try to hide it but inside it is bad. I keep alot of my thoughts to myself because to say them out loud i just dont want to go there. I think as a parent you just question as your kids get older am i doing the right thing ? is letting them listen to a song going to change their life is letting them watch a certain movie altering the person they are. And in my mind I always think of the Duggars ( TLC) That mom is always in my head. I repsect her parenting. In my head I listen because their moral views are who I want my children to be. They have the best kids. Helpful loving kind knows right from wrong does right. I just get scared about it all. Her friends people in general. Her maturing into this lady. And i trust God but  I just always question my parenting. I just really start thinking she is 12 years old. 4 more years and driving 6 years and she will go off to college and be her own person. And that literally brings me to tears. How can 12 years of this life fly bye. I just dont know. But she is the reason for alot of things in my life. I really dont know what my life would be if I didnt have to her. She has changed me as a person. And I think that is the greastest reward as a parent is raising them to be outstanding loving kind people in this world. This world is filled with so much bad stuff and people. That is just what scares me. And I cant control that. I just have to trust her and Jesus. Easier said than done for me.

I have just had so much going on in the last months of my life. It is just hard. And I try to be the best person I can be. Relationships for me are the hardest. I am not good at them. I think it is because I dont trust anyone. Only Brandon. We have been through alot. And no matter whatever happens he always has my back. We may have tiffs and words but in the end it is over. I feel like he has heard me and thats all I ever ask anyone to do for me. Is to hear what I said. Validation. I thing no matter what anyone says they need that in their life. For me validation of I heard what you said I may not agree but I heard you. I think that is why we have stayed married this long without killing each other. Because it is not about who is right on wrong it is about did you hear what I said. ?

Morgan is almost 2 years old and her first birthday was not so good. Long story short Me and my mom had a big blowout. One that ultimately changed our relationship forever. It has been hard the last 10 months with a lot of things. I love her shes my mom but on the other hand I just don’t get her sometimes. Basically a couple months ago we had a major falling out I said words and hatched out the last 34 years of my life with her. And it didn’t go so good. I guess just inside I just wanted her to know Yeah I may be a hard head child but I do have feelings emotions and I dont forget. I m just hard on the outside but inside I am mush. I am just as emotional today than I have ever been. Life is different for me.I wasnt sure what really direction our life was going to be because no matter what she is always going to be in my kids life. But I have come to peace with alot of things I said to her. Just an inner peace that is like aahhhhh. im ok. and have let alot if not all let go because we are only human. i love her. i respect her. she is a great wonderful person. and i think sometimes i get caught up in my head about certain things and wont let go. cant let go. and i hate that about me. I did alot of soul searching in the last months ever since that happend. i think regretting saying how i felt but realizing i cant take it back. but in the end i realize that it all happens for a reason. sometimes something so bad comes good. but when you are in it, it just seems so far away. well last week we after all these months visited her. and it was nice. i have missed her. and i think we are just building a new relationship a better one. and i am thankful for that more than words can say.

God is like that isnt he i believe it is called merciful on our lifes. He is ever forgiving loving and makes right was human make wrong. And is forever faithful to our lifes even when we dont deserve it. Even when we dont deserve it. I am a sinner but I try to change my ways everyday. And repent of the things in my life and make right. But I am a work in progress. And like the song says “OOH NO You NEVEr let Go ” he doesnt let go.

And I think Morgans face says it all.




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