731 Words

 

        I often struggle with so much in my head its horrible. Worry about everything to the point I am feeling crazy. And I trully hate it. And it is often about other people I do this about. And that makes me sick because it really takes the focus off my children, my house, and my marriage. I would say living in a one horse town where we are intertwinned doesnt help very much. Or just the fact that the people who are around me just say whatever not even thinking about others and their feelings. And I get sucked into this web alot. Not wanting to. I have enough on my plate to worry about: to worry about others and what they say gets old. What she said about this person ..what that person did to that person..can you believe that happened to her?? it is like lets freakin worry about our lives. period. when we stop about others and what is going on with their lives and just focus on the great things in our own lifes i think we are much happier people. But why do others focus on others instead of themselves. is it because in their own lifes they just dont want to deal with they got going on. that they must crap talk others because that makes them feel better to cut others down. and that is real sickning to me. it really is. i find a fine line between truth, honesty, and perception. its fine if you have one friend in which you confide your truths too. but when you are running around town with 17 friendships gossiping all about others and telling each person a different thing. what does one get from that ?? to have those friendships that are basically built on shit talking. i wouldnt call that a friendship. friendships are real, they have thier ups and downs just like marriage but if they are really your true friend they can hang….that what is said is in confidentiality not for one to spread the business to others. that just makes me sad. im all about reality though at times it sucks i know. but i am a real person. i say what i believe is the truth in my eyes. and i get in trouble alot for it. but i always tell my husband at the end of this life i want my children to look at me and say my mom was who she was and never bent for others. the ugly, the laughter the tears, the raw. that is who i am. take it or leave it. but friendship are really a struggle for me. i would say only my husband my kids and probably my sister. i am who i am and i think it is becuase i know they love me. they have seen me in the ugliest and just love me the same. and when you look at your life who can you say those things about. the people that you can say are who your true friendship are about. for my it happens to be those for some maybe it is friends. but i am all about keeping it real. because it often runs through my head at the end of this life is this crap going to matter. is making hair bows worth taking away from hanging my morgie, is running around texting others worth time that is basically wasted with others that dont really give a crap just to pass thier time. i value every relationship i have though i dont have to many . i value them. i dont care if i am liked by everyone because i know i am not. but i care that people at least respect me and i am not everyones cup of tea. and vice versal that is what makes the world go around i think. it is frustrating because i daily stuggle with it .get sucked back into this. and i dont want to because it makes me feel ugly inside. it does. i stop going onto facebook and have really cut my internet time way down only to blog and look at very few things. because it is life sucking. the drama, the crap, whos better, who said this. it keeps me in an anxiety ridden stage. because i think nicole prather why do i care. focus on you.